Mixed Emotions But Hanging In There

     I can think of few other days in which I have been given more reasons to be joyful than this one, but I also find myself a little sad at the same time.  Just around a month ago I was informed that one of the boys at the home I'm working at was going to be adopted. I was told it would probably happen in about a week or two from then, and then every week I heard the same thing, that it was taking a little longer than expected, maybe following week the papers would all be finished. Well, today all the papers finally were finished. The adoptive family went before the judge this morning and were awarded custody of Lucas. Let me tell you, first and foremost this is a HUGE answer to prayers. I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord has provided my little boy with a mommy and daddy that are going to be PERMANENT in his life, Christians, who are going to love him well and teach him about Jesus. I don't have to worry about him when I leave, that he's going to feel abandoned again, or that he'll continued to be moved from children's home to children's home until he's an adult or runs away. God has blessed him and therefore blessed me. However, all that being said, I can't begin to say how much I'm going to miss having this kid in my life! A short time after he got here he latched onto me as his mom, for whatever reason, I really honestly don't know. But, for some reason, I'm the one he'd come to when he got a bump on the head and needed a kiss. He prefered to sit in my lap as opposed to my coworkers. He wanted to hold my hand when we walked to the park. As far as he knew, I was his mama. And while sometimes he was a little overboard- like when he'd scream and cry thinking I was leaving him when I entered the bathroom for two minutes- I don't think I could have enjoyed our relationship more. I have so many fond and funny memories with my little boy- tickle sessions, being painted on with chalk, singing him to sleep at night, eating ice cream when we got to go just the two of us to the grocery store, getting thrown up on when I tried to take him to cine center haha!, teaching him to blow kisses, dressing/doing his hair up for church, celebrating his birthday- the list could go on and on and on. I guess that's why in some ways I couldn't help but feel like they were taking my baby away from me.  It's hard to be someone's mom for nearly eight months and then just have him climb in someone else's car and watch them drive off! However, I'd say I've been holding up much better than expected (by everyone actually, lol). I'm not really one for waterworks, especially in public, so I think my coworkers and boss were a little surprised when three of them got choked up and I didn't. "You seem really chill" one of them told me after he had left. I don't know if it's cuz I cried some ahead of time, or if I just knew far enough ahead of time that it was gonna happen that I prepared myself, or maybe (most likely) God's just giving me an extra helping of grace today. But, overall I'd say I'm hangin in there. I'm remembering lots of fun moments and also wondering how he's doing. Did he fall asleep alright tonight? Does he miss his little companions here? Did he cry? I wish I could see everything in movie format. Ok, that's kinda creepy, but I'm curious, I'm not gonna lie. Anyway, all that to say this- thank you Jesus. You are way more incredible than I could ever imagine. And please give me strength during this next week or so as I adjust to the current strangeness. I miss my little boy! And it'll probably be harder when it hits me a little more that he's really gone. It's still just a little surreal to be honest. Your prayers are appreciated! And for the record I hope to go visit him in a month or something, after he's had some time to adjust. And then maybe once more before I leave. So it's not like I'll never see him again, it's just hard for me to think of him calling someone else "mama". Again, I'm super super thankful for this, but I still definitely have sad selfish feelings too : )  I know this is such a good thing, but it's still hard. But God is gracious and merciful and loving and in control. And I am so incredibly thankful that He did this for my little boy, for His glory, no doubt.