Como Puedo Dejarte?

Mi Querido Hijo,                                                        16/08/2011
   Oh como te amo! Yo no sabia que seria asi. Como te puedo dejar? Nunca hubiera creida que te amaria asi. Pienso de salir en deciembre y empiezo a llorar. Como te puedo dejar? Me acuerdo de este momento, el primer dia que llegaste. Yo estaba en mi cuarto dejcansando y quando me baje estabaj aqui voj. No me di cuenta en ejte momento que llegaria un dia en que lloraria por ti asi. Ya quedan solo quatro meses hasta que me voy y la unica cosa que ejtoy pensando ej que seria mejor salir mas temprano, porque si quedo por maj tiempo solo significa que te voy a causar mas dolor cuando me voy. Como te puedo dejar? Y que vas a pensar tu? Que yo solo era una persona mas en tu vida que te dejo?  Oh Dios, por favor no permitas que sea asi! Oh hijo, por favor, no penses mal de mi, oh mi querido hijo. Como te puedo dejar? Ejtoy imaginandote en tu cuna, en tu silla, al porton, esperando mi llegada como cualquier otro dia, y ejte dia no voy a llegar. Que vas a pensar? Oh como ejtoy orando por ti! Que Dios te de una familia que te ame, que tu puedas crecer en una familia con una mama, un papa, tal vez hermanos y hermanas, y que nunca tendres que pensar/preguntar que si o no estas amado. Que siempre sepas que Dios es tu padre. Mas que todo hijo me oracion es que conozcas al Senor Jesuscristo. Mas que TODO! Si creces en una casa con una familia que te ama- sepa que Dios te ama, y tu familia te vas a fallar.  Si crezcas en hogar mas hogar, y parece que no pueda confiar en nadie, confie en Dios, por que El es contigo siempre. NUNCA TE VA A DEJAR. El mundo es lleno de pecado, y es un triste lugar para vivir. Acuerdate que eso NO ES tu casa- tu casa es en los cielos con Cristo, tu Salvador y Rey. Oh hijo, como ejtoy pidiendo a Dios por ti! Que el venga con Su Espiritu y te de paz. Que siempre pueda sentir Su amor. Mas que todo hijo, tienej que saber que Dios te ama, que Jesuscristo murio en la cruz por TUS pecados, y por fe en El tu puedes estar salvado. Nunca vas a tener mas gozo que cuando estas caminando con El. Nunca.
    Me duele pensar de que despues de que me voy ej posible que jamas sepa lo que esta pasando en tu vida. Pero confio en Dios, y yo se que EL tiene un plan para tu vida, y eso ej mucho mejor que cualquier cosa podria hacer yo para ti. Eso ej la unica que me da paz en ejte momento. Oh hijo, como te puedo dejar? Nunca entendere que hice yo para que me amas asi. No me di cuenta durante que ejtaba pasando, pero ahora puedo ver bien que me amas como mama, y oh como me duele que te tengo que dejar. Siempre has puesto completamente tu confianza en mi, y yo voy a romper este confianza que has tenido. Cuando te dejo por un momento no mas, para ayudar con otro nino, rapidito vienej voj para buscarme. Cuando tengo que usar el bano empiezas a llorar, como nunca voy a regresar, como si fuera otra salida secreta adentro.
    Quiero que sepas que nunca cambiaria al tiempo que he pasado contigo. Cada vez que limpie a tu nariz, cada panal sucio que cambie, cuando te dormiste en mis brazos durante que te ejtaba cantando, cada momento que caminaba contigo jugando afuera, tu mano en la mia, caminando solo para ir a un lado y regresar. Voy a acordar a todo con ARTO gozo por siempre. Oh Fercho, por favor, no penses mal de mi, oh mi hijo. Oh mi hijo. Eres me hijo, como puedo dejarte aqui? Sin saber cuando vuelva, si algun dia te conocere otra vez, si vas a vivir con una familia o solo en hogares. Sin saber quien vas a ser en tres, diez, quince anos. Oh, pero confio en El Senor y los planes que tiene! Que mas puedo hacer? Son mejores que los que tengo yo. "Porque yo se muy bien los planes que tengo para uds- afirma el Senor-, planes de bienestar y no de calamidad, a fin de darles un futuro y una esperanza."-Jeremias 29:11.  En Cristo tienej que poner tu esperanza y confianza. Solo en El. Solo. En. El. Oh como te amo hijo, oh como te amo. Pero Jesus te ama mas. Mucho mucho mas.
   Que Dios te bendiga mi amor! Sepas que alguien en el mundo esta pensando de ti y orando por ti. Siempre seraj mi querido hijo.
   Con abrazos y besos y mas amor que sabes,
Mama Samantha

Above is a letter I wanna leave for one of my boys. For you non-Spanish speakers I translated it to English below. Seriously don't know how I'm going to leave this child here... Prayers are appreciated as my departure is not all that far off! My sincerest hope and prayer that the two of them would be adopted before I leave so that they're not being abadnoned by someone again. Especially the one who really looks to me as his mom. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it.

My Beloved Son,                                                        08/16/2011
   Oh how I love you!! I didn’t know it would be like this. How am I going to be able to leave you? I never would have thought that I would love you like this. I think about leaving in December and I start to cry. How am I going to be able to leave you? I remember when you first got here. I was in my room resting and came down and you were here. I didn’t realize then that this moment would come one day when I’d cry for you like this. There are only four months left till I leave and the only thing I can think is that it would be better if I were leaving sooner, because the longer I stay the more it means it’s going to hurt you when I leave. How can I leave you? And what are you going to think? That I was just another person in your life that left you? Oh God, please don’t let be! Oh son, please don’t think poorly of me, oh my beloved child. How can I leave you? I just picture you in your crib, your chair, at the gate, waiting for me to arrive like any other day, and I’m not going to come. What are you going to think?  Oh how I’m praying for you! That God would give you a family that loves you, that you would grow up in a family with a mom and dad and maybe brothers and sisters, and that you would never question whether or not you’re loved.  That you would always know that God is your Father. More than anything else I’m praying that you would know the Lord Jesus Christ. More than ANYTHING. If you grow up in a home with a family that loves you- know that God loves you, and your family is going to fail you. If you grow up living in children’s home after children’s home, and it seems like you can’t trust in anyone, trust in God, because He is with you always. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. The world is full of sin, and it’s a sad place to live. Remember that this is NOT your home- your home is in heaven with Christ, your Savior and King. Oh child, how I’m praying for you! That God would come with His Spirit over you and give you peace. That you would always feel His love. More than anything, you have to know that God loves you, that Jesus died on the cross for YOUR sins, and that by faith in Him you can be saved. You will never have greater joy than when you walk with Him. Never.
  It hurts me to think that it’s possible after I leave that I’ll never know what’s going on in your life. But I trust in God, and I know that He has a plan for your life, and that’s going to be much better than whatever I could come up with for you.  This is the only thing that comforts me right now.  Oh child, how am I going to leave you? I’ll never understand what it was I did that made you love me like you do. I didn’t notice it when it started, but I can definitely see it now that you love me like I’m your mom, and it hurts me so much that I have to leave you. You’ve always trusted me, and I’m about to break that trust. When I leave you for just a moment these days, to help out with one of the other kids, you come running to figure out just where I went to. When I have to use the bathroom it always makes you cry, like I’m never coming back out, as if there were a secret exit somewhere inside.
  I want you to know that I would never change the time I’ve spent with you. Every time I cleaned your nose, every dirty diaper I changed, when you’d fall asleep in my arms as I sang to you, every moment I spent walking around with you, your hand in mine, just going from one end to the other. I’ll always remember everything with so much joy. Oh child, pleases, don’t think poorly of me. You are my son, how can I leave you here? Without knowing when I’ll be back, without knowing if someday I’ll meat you again, not knowing if you’ll live with a family or in children’s homes. Without knowing who you’ll be in three, ten, or fifteen years. Oh, but I trust in the Lord! What else could I do? They’re better than the plans I have.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Put your hope and trust in the Lord. Only in Him. Only. In. Him. Oh how I love you child, oh how I love you. But Jesus loves you even more. Much much more.
   May the Lord bless you my love! Know that someone in the world is thinking of and praying for you. You will always be my beloved son.
   With hugs and kisses and more love than you know,
Momma Samantha